Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Draft 1
Population control is necessary through natural and man-control checks in order to stabilize food supply because the poor reproduces more than they can manage. The man-control checks consisted of decreasing of food supply and the amount of children in families. Thomas R. Malthus's idea of controlling population because he believed the more people there are, the food there is. The food supply could never be lower than the population. As an example if the population and the food supply was not stable that meant that there would be an decrease of population. Thomas explained that there were wars, plagues epidemics and disease that kept the population together. Lastly Malthus also argued that the poor accuses government, rich, and society by not having enough money to care for their numerous amounts of children.
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Good thesis sentence, but you should try to be more clear in your second draft. I was a little confused about what you were trying to say.
ReplyDeleteHi Tatiyana, next time just make sure you check the technical things like grammar and use of the correct transitions in the right places (If that makes sense). Some transitions make sentences seem awk. just check in with those.
ReplyDeleteGood paragraph overall, but maybe add in examples or paraphrase quotes from the text to make your argument clearer.
ReplyDeleteYou have a strong thesis, but you should use a few more examples from the text to support it. Also, some of the transitions are a bit confusing, so you should work on making them a bit clearer, but overall this is a good paragraph.
ReplyDeletethe paragraph seems good but you should try to clear things up, in the third line it said that man controlled checks decrease food when they are meant to keep the population lower than the food supply.
ReplyDelete