Charlie Bolton
In order for society to survive, the poor must execute preventative population checks, so that the food supply can be sustained. Preventative checks must be executed because the population is growing at a faster rate than the food supply, causing for there to be a shortage of food. The reason why the poor must execute these check is because they are breeding to fast, and having offspring, which they cannot provide for, causing for them to complain to the government about not being able to help them. It is actually their fault that they cannot provide for their families, because they can barley provide for themselves and their wives with one child, but they go ahead and have more offspring. So in order for the population to grow in better alignment with the food growth, the poor must execute preventative checks on their population growth, because it is their fault for this uneven growth of food and population.
On line 3 "check" should be plural, and on line four you don't need to say having offspring. Also on line four, you don't say what the poor are complaining about. On the third line from the bottom you must use commas in the appropriate places.
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DeleteThanks for the very specific feedback, I will be sure to pay extra attention to these parts when I revise my paragraph.
DeleteExplain more about what preventative checks are and try to use some transitions words like Ultimately, or therefore.
ReplyDeleteHi Charlie, your paragraph sums up Malthus' ideas well but one thing i'd recommend is checking in with your sources when you are paraphrasing.
ReplyDeletevery good overall idea, but you should have an example that restates this same idea from the reading.
ReplyDeleteI think the paragraph could be more straight to the point. It feels like there are a lot of unnecessary words which makes it a little confusing so I would try cutting down the sentences into only the most essential words.
ReplyDeleteYou did very well, but one thing you can change is wording things different
ReplyDeleteCharlie, i think you should work on talking more about how these population checks help the society.
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